They say he sleeps upside down with his head in pot of molten gold.

They say his London home is powered by 2,000 eunuchs chewing on white tigers' testicles.

They say Roman Abramovich did enter the Andrew Martin shop in Walton Street, South Kensington and try to buy a lamp.

He offered his polonium credit card. And it was declined. A witness, says the Times, saw all. They say Abramovich was “very polite about it”.

They say rivers started to run backwards and Britain’s richest man did walk on his hands in circles.

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